Full Circle

It's funny how, as children, we think we know exactly what we want out of life only to grow into a life that throws us curve balls and changes our views. 

Hold fast to dreams

For if dreams die

Life is a broken-winged bird

That cannot fly.

Hold fast to dreams

For when dreams go

Life is a barren field

Frozen with snow.

                        ~Langston Hughes 

When I was in first grade art class, we painted a picture of what we wanted to be when we grew up. Now, as an adult, I think that assignment is preposterous. What 6-year-old really knows what they want to be? And why do adults think it's okay to put that kind of pressure on such young, evolving minds. But when I painted my picture, I wanted to be a veterinarian. 

Then, just before my 12th birthday, my dog died. I was there in the vet's office that day. I knew he had been sick, and that he was old. I rememeber my mom crying, and my dad taking me out of the room to sit in the waiting room. That was the first time I'd heard the words put to sleep, but I didn't know what they meant. At that point in my life, sleeping was exactly that. It was also the first time I heard the word euthanasia, although I wouldn't remember such a complicated word until years later. 

That day my dream of being a veterinarian died alongside my childhood friend. 

But animals still ruled my world, to be sure, and soon after that, my love for horses was allowed to blossom into a full-fledged passion. 

There were so many "problems" with the path I wanted to take and how the world was set up for people of my generation and economic standing. I was expected to go to college and get a 4-year degree, so I searched hard for a school that offered the education I was looking for without taking me far from home.

It's important to note that my parents were nothing but supportive of my dreams. For Christmas one year in high school, they gave me a book called Careers for Horse Lovers. I read that book cover to cover and landed on breeding. It fit with my passion for horses and my interest in genetics. 

The problem was that there were very few colleges that offered equine majors, especially ones that were closer to home for me. (I had medical reasons for wanting to be close to home, and I had always been tightly tied to my family.) My high school guidance counselor didn't know what to do with a young girl who wanted to go to college to learn about running a horse breeding farm, so I was basically on my own. 

It was no different once I did find a school that offered what I wanted and was close to home. The school had other issues for me personally, but the biggest was that I had discovered I could learn more in the barn than the classroom. I had also discovered a love for writing. When I went to my academic advisor seeking guidance, he told me to switch my major to Mass Communications and minor in Equine Studies. 

Without getting into it, Mass Comm was not for me. It wasn't at all what I was looking for, and so college quickly became an expensive prison against which I began to rebel. 

At one point, I took a continuing education class at the sustainable living center at that school. It was a simple class where we learned how to drive the paired Percheron draft horses. We took turns driving them with a wagon, and then we got to try our hand at plowing. The ground was hard, and the horse-drawn plow was not easy to control because you had to keep the horses moving and going straight while also using your feet to press the plow into the soil to create a trench for the seeds. The first two rows were split between most of the students, and neither one had a straight stretch. Like I said, it was hard. 

On the third row, my turn started just past a third of the way in. I drove those massive black beauties straight and true, keeping a consistent depth to the trench. The teacher told me to finish the row, but at the end, he aksed me to turn them and do the next row. To my delight, he was so happy with my control, he had me finish the small field. 

As I write this, remembering this little detail of my first steps into life as an adult, I realize I was put there for a reason. I was being tested, but I wasn't ready to step up. And life was going to throw me more curves to test my determination. I would founder each time, drawing more and more back into a shell of the woman I was meant to become. . .

• I flopped at college.
• I lost my horse to colic.
• I lost so much in a house fire.
• I got lost in a controlling relationship.

This was a span of almost 10 years, and it's important to point out that there were underlying systems that were driving me on this unfulfilling path, and a lot more happened than what I've listed here. 

By this time I had given up on my dreams of having a farm. With the loss of my horse, I had given up on ever having another. I didn't want to go through that pain again. And I certainly didn't beleive I could ever afford one. 

But Spirit--God, Source, Creator, whatever you choose to call that divine energy--has a way of bringing you back if you're willing to be quiet and listen. Since my husband and I moved our family to our current little homestead 14 years ago, my adolescent dreams have reawakened. They aren't exactly the same now, because my own expansion as a sovereign being has sparked life into surrounding interests. Interests that weave together to create a beautiful tapestry of education and regeneration. 

My biggest concern at this point is that so much time has passed since those dreams were born in a young heart. I still have very BIG dreams, though, and while I recognize that I may need to make shifts, that doesn't mean I can't reach them if I put my heart and soul into it. I have even watched as some dreams have manifested and shown me that all things are possible. 👇

Never give up on your dreams. They were put in your heart becasue you were meant to achieve them. 

Spirit Animals

In pop culture today, the term "spirit animal" has become a buzz word (or phrase). It's tossed around like the latest seasonal fashion with a total disregard for what it actually means. It's commonly used in memes picturing animals doing something funny or being lazy like this:

While these are cute and funny, they are in fact disrepectful of what a spirit animal actually is. 

Now, I'm going to put myself at risk here, because I have heard some say that unless a person is Native American use of the term is cultural appropriation. However, I have done some digging into this, and the idea of spirit animals is found across the world. Across cultures. Throughout time. 

The Druids, Scandinavians, and other northern European cultures believed animals had spirits and carried messages from the spirit realm. The ancient Egyptians worshipped deities with animal heads like dogs and falcons. Hindus worship the elephant-headed goddess, Ganesha. Buddhists believe that animals have sprits and are reincarnated, as are humans. Shamans use spirit animals in their spiritual work. And, of course, there are the Native Americans--North, South, and Central--for whom the animal world is of such importance as to be medicinal.  

You see, I'm not trying to take anything away from any culture here. But I think it needs to be recognized and acknowledged that the concept of "spirit animals" or "animism," which is the belief that animals have spirits, is not unique to any one culture. And I beleive that as long as you are respectful in your use of the term and are using it appropriately, you have a right to do so because spiritualism does not belong to any one culture or region. As humans, we are naturally inclined to try to connect to a higher source, no matter what we call it. If working with animal spirits through spiritual practice feels right to you, then go for it. 

One thing I didn't mention above, but something that is intrguing to say the least, is the fact that even across the world, cultures that had no contact with each other generally gave the same attributes to animals. But an animal spirit comes to a person because it has a message for them. It doesn't even always have to be what is "prescribed" by books or online spirit animal guides, no matter how they may all match up. 

This past Spring I began a shamanism course. The path is completed in four courses that align with the seasons and compass directions. Each season we work with a spirit animal. This animal serves as our messenger and guide for the season, and we work with him or her in shamanic journeys.

In Spring we journeyed for another person to find their spirit animal for the season. The reason for this is it removes bias, self-judgement, and expectation. I was lucky enough to be paired with my good friend, Sandy (https://sowhatirun.com/). After our journey, we told of how we came to find our partner's animal. Sandy told of all the animals she's worked with coming to her, surrounding her, until finally she yelled, "Who is here for Jamie?" 

All went quiet, and then a big beautiful silverback Gorilla came charging out of the forest. "I am!" he declared. When she asked if he had a message for me, he replied, "Be fierce." 

Now, Gorilla was not in my book, Animal Speak, by Ted Andrews, and information was difficult to find online, too. What I could find said that Gorilla signifies gentle leadership, dignity, communication, and community. But I needed to understand why he had come and what he meant by "be fierce," so I journeyed with him many times. 

We are now in Summer, and as such, I have a new spirit animal to work with. This one was chosen by pulling cards from my instructor's spirit animal deck. Before she pulled mine, she looked at me and said, "Jamie, I don't want Spider. I see spiders all around you, so I'm just putting that out there." 

Now, most people would probably freak out at this statement, but I have a deep respect and admiration for spiders. "It's funny you say that," I told her, "because Spider is one of my power animals." (On a totem, power animals are at the base and the strongest snimals for that particular person. Generally they are with the person for life. I don't do totems, but I do believe some animal sprits are with us for our lifetime, and thus I believe in power animals.)

She drummed to celar my aura, and then started shuffling the deck for a card. It didn't take long at all for a card to literally flip out of the deck. (If you don't know about oracle cards, when your doing a card pull, you ask a question (not yes or no) you shuffle the deck until a card slips out. That's your card. You can read the deck's guide book and use intuition to help you relate it to the question you are asking.) Anyway, my spirit animal card didn't just slip out when she shuffled. It came out of the top of the deck and flipped around in a circular motion. 

Can you guess what card it was when she picked it up? 

A bit mindblowing considering the conversation immediately preceding the card flipping out of the deck, right? Even as someone who has experienced so many little events like this, it never ceases to amaze.

We have journeyed with our spirit animals for the season, but Spider has been absolutely everywhere. Now, I know what you may be thinking. It's summer. It's hot. There are lots of bugs. Of course there are lots of spiders. I get it. 

But spiders are usually in the corners of a room, between the pickets on the fence or handrail, in the grass. I have all of that, yes. But I have also had spiders drop beside me on my bed. Or crawl onto me while I'm at my desk working. I even had one show up in the shower, struggling to climb the damp, tiled walls and then sitting in a safe spot until I got out.

They are EVERYWHERE. 

Spider is a symbol of creativity. She encourages you to explore your creative side. As a spinner and weaver, Spider's creative symbolism is especially powerful for writing. And so, when Spider shows up for those who write, it is advisable to take heed. 

Gorilla and Spider work together for me. Gorilla demands me to sit and write. He is fierce as he tells me to be. Meanwhile, Spider is gentle with me as long as I'm paying attention. As long as I get little bits done here and there, she seems content. But together they have a braoder message. Not only are they telling me to wirte, to put my stories down in a tangible way, they are also telling me to quit hiding. Together Gorilla and Spider are telling me to write and publish. Put my words out there for others to read. Because everyone has a story, and we never know how our story may impact those who read it. 

Many blessings to you, readers. I am forever grateful to you.  

Celebrating Mother Earth

The day before Earth Day my son and I went to the library. He needed some more graphic novels to devour, and I. . . well, I didn't need any books, but I came home with a few. The focus, as most have been these past 2-3 years, was spirituality. This is a broad subject, if you think about it, and the library has several sections that would fit the bill. . .

While my son went to his preferred section, I headed along the stacks toward the nonfiction section. I really didn't have anything in particular I was looking for. After all, I was at the end of a book recommended by a friend, and I needed to finish it before I fall into another. So, I went with the intention of just browsing anything that grabbed me. (If I'm totally honest, almost everything on a book spine or cover grabs my attention simply because it's a book.) 

As I passed the printers and sit-down catalogs, my attention was drawn to the digital catalog several rows in front of me. There were four right next to me, but I went toward this one. Again, I had no idea what I would search for because my spiritual interests are broad and span across genres. But, when I got to the desk and looked at the screen I saw this. . .

I may have laughed out loud when I read it. 

My first thought was, Holy shit! Message heard, Universe.

I glanced at the call number and headed to the shelf. There was a woman there, but she was looking at the opposite shelf. Still, I found myself wishing slightly that she would be the person who had searched for the Spirit Hacking book. Alas, she was not. I stooped to the level where the book should be, and when I found where it had obviously resided, I ran my finger along the empty space where the spine would have been.

Here's where it gets a bit, well, weird. (If you didn't already think this was weird.) That empty space spoke to me, and Spirit guided my finger to the left. There was a copy of The Universe has Your Back, by Gabrielle Bernstein. I had literally listened to Oprah interview her on the Super Soul Conversations podcast a day or two before. While the book they were discussing had been Gabrielle's new book scheduled for release this summer, they mentioned this one a few times. 

Let me give a breif backstory here. . . Last March, after everyone had been declaring their "word of the year," a gifted woman gave me mine. I wasn't actively participating in such things as it just feels like another form of New Year's resolutions. But this woman, while talking to someone else, said the word TRUST, and I heard it like a chime. Then Spirit said to me, "Yes, trust! Trust in yourself. Trust in the process." In this aspect trust also means surrender, and that is hard. The message hasn't gone away. It's still part of my everyday messages. And over a year later, I am still learning the how of it.

So, back in the library, I pulled the book from the shelf and looked at the cover. Apparently I was going home with this book becasue it's all about trust and surrender. Since I now had one book, I figured I'd look at more. I found two more, one by Brene Brown, and the other a collection of stories about women around the world who were able to overcome the odds and make a difference. 

I went back to the catalog. I don't remember what I searched for, but I found another section with more books about meditation, spirituality, and rituals. On the bottome shelf was a small book with a waxy paper cover, Earth Energies Meditations. I pulled it out and opened it to the beginning of Part IV, Rooted in Spiritual Authenticity. I turned the page. . . 

BOOM! 

Chapter 10. Living Your Truth. Ok, now I'm really listening. 

I read that first page and part of the next, closed the book, and added it to my stack. This was meant for me, obviously. You see, I was attending a celebration of Mother Earth at a local spiritual gathering that weekend. Adding that to the message of trust convinced me I was lead to this book, and indeed this page. 

When I got home, I went outside and read this prayer aloud. 

That Saturday, April 23rd, I went with my good friend to Laughing Stone Hollow for a day of celebrating Gaia with like-minded people. It was a full immersion into a profound experience. We sang the Water Song, gifted by the Algonquin people, while performing a water ceremony. As we walked out to the stream, a bald eagle rested on the ground next to the pond in the next field. I experienced my first sound bath, where I felt my spirit pulled down into the Earth by the deep resonance of the singing bowls and lifted from my body by the windchimes. We closed with a fire ceremony.

It was an amazing experience. 

Ceremony Circle

I started wrting this entry the week after the ceremony, but I got so far and stopped. Spider came to visit, then, telling me to write. I didn't. I had way too much going on at work and in life. So it sat. For weeks. A constant reminder in an open tab. 

That week I started another course in shamanism for the East Direction. In that first class, we were paired up for journeying and gifted a spirit animal guide by our partner. My dear freind gifted me Gorilla, and that is my tale for next time. 

Until then. . . 

Happy Gardening & Love Your Mother 🌎!

Preparing for the Future

 I've had many things I've wanted to write about thes past few weeks. Months, really. But life gets in the way of getting them down, and so they sit in the back of my mind waiting for their turn. Some wilt and come back to life when watered by research or rain from outside sources. Some do eventually die, if only because of my own inability to accept that their message is something someone else out there needs or wants to hear. And some sit there, glowing in their own source of divine energy. 

This post is one of those last. This topic was sent to me over and over by divine source. Call it a message from God, if you like. While I use the word God to describe such a source sometimes, I tend to use Spirit more. It feels more universal, and not in a human belief way. Universal in an all-encompassing way. 

But I digress. . .

I'm here today to write about something that has been glowing in its own light at the back of my mind for several years. It started before Covid, but the pandemic served to amplify it. And watching how people reacted to the pandemic and the aftermath we are currently experiencing solidified it. 

Some will read this message and say I've slipped into "survival mode." I accept that. But it's more than that. There is more substance here than mere survival. This pull I am feeling has roots that run deep into our Mother Earth. It only seeks to be able to break through the surface and sprout forth to grow into the full glory I see in my mind. And yes, in my meditative journeys. 

There is a reason this pull has been tugging at my core and my heart for these past years. There's a reason it's gotten exponentially stronger since Covid hit. And while I know parts of it are born out of fear, the self-work I have been doing over the past two and a half years has taught me that the pull is stronger because it's my purpose. 

Without getting into my very BIG dream for life, I'm talking about self-sufficiency here today. Specifically, growing and storing our own food, and sourcing what you can't (or won't) grow from ethically and sustainably sourced markets. 

1/2 a cow in the freezer means clean, helathy, delicious meat for a year.

Here I realize that my garden space is much bigger than average, and I understand that not everyone has a piece of land to grow on. I am well aware of that. I've lived in those situations. Places where dependency on the grocery store was real. And, if I'm honest, it still is for us, to a degree. 

But this pull I'm feeling--that my husband also feels--is about being able to support ourselves with food we grow or source from other local growers. And therein lies the message. . . You don't have to be able to grow everything yourself. Supporting your community by buying from other local growers is also part of self-sustainablity. 

This video from msnbc gives a rundown of how buying locally supports your community in a bigger way. One fact that really drives me is:

"$1 out of every $100 spent online goes back into the community. Fifteen times that from the big box retailers. And up to $45 of every $100 spent in indepndent stores."

I recently watched a video by a homesteader I've been following for a a few years. More honesty forces me to admit that I had stopped watching her because she triggered me. Fiercely. I made excuses to myself for not watching her content. I told myself she doesn't teach things, just puts her life online for the world to see. But if you know how to watch things like that, you can learn from other people's lives. Even when it triggers you. 

So I watched the video she posted on March 27 of this year entitled "The Urgency to Grow Food (and Audacious Hope)." I didn't know what to expect, but the 36-minute runtime had me at this better be good. My time is precious, especially my TV time, so I don't want it taken up by something that doesn't hold value for me. 

Let me caveat this by explaining why this woman's content triggers me. She is living my dream. Sure the details may be different, but essentially she is livin gthe life I want to live. She has connections to the kinds of people I want to be connected to. She is taking college courses in the same subject area I want to take courses in. And her future dreams are much like my own. 

As I write this, I understand that this woman has the very real potential to be an expander for me, and that is something I need to explore. Especially since she feels so out of reach. 

But this video. . . Without going into the current political climate, she talks about her views on the predicted food crisis in the US. Shortages of staple items. Drastically increased prices. And there is, of course, always the issue of cleanliness, health value, and ethical sourcing. She tells her story of coming from living scant paycheck to scant paycheck and having date nights at the book store cafe so she and her husband could read the books and put them back. 

And it was at one of those date nights, as she was reading a book about homesteading, that she felt the call. The urgency of needing to prepare. I know that call. I was in tears as she told this story. I felt the urgency bubble up again. 

But she goes on to talk about the difference between preparing out of fear and coming from a place of faith and trust. Faith and trust allow you to learn as you grow. To take lessons from your failures as much as your successes. 

I believe that my inner journey has allowed me to approach this subject from a place of peace. While I feel the urgency to beat the inflation of food prices, I am not afraid. Oh, I used to be afraid. Without a doubt, I was afraid of the potential of not being able to get food. But I realized that approaching this at a sustainable and calm pace is so much healthier. 

We are eating cleaner by purchasing local dairy and meat, and by growing and preserving our own vegetables. And of course we have our flock to provide us eggs. I would love to help the people in my community do the same. 

This took longer to write than I wanted, and as such, it became a bit scattered. I hope you stayed with me. 

I have BIG dreams. And while it may take time, I will get there because I am meant to get there.

Don't ever give up on your dreams.

And So It Begins. . .

 The seeds have been started! 🌱

 🥦 🫑 

I've seen people in my area starting seeds in those pop-up "greenhouses" these past couple weeks, and I have mixed feeling about this. For one, I can fully admit that I'm a little envious of these people because I have wanted a mini greenhouse for years. On the other hand, I know winter isn't through with us, and I can't imagine having to move racks full of seedlings to a warmer place when polar fronts roll in like the one we had this weekend. 

These locals with their teeny "greenhouses" and their late-February/early-March seed starting can make me feel like I'm late. . . again. But I have always planted according to a last frost date of May 15th or around Mother's Day. And, according to the University of Maryland Extension vegetable planting calendar, I'm right on time. Every farmer I know in the area has confirmed that they use the same basic time-frame, also, so. . . *shrug*. 

And there's good old Mother Nature. She confirmed my scheduling this weekend when a polar vortex blew in with ice, snow, and wind chills in the teens.  

Snow-covered lavender

                                               

Snow-covered Thyme

Most had melted by the time I took the picture, but the garden was completely covered with ice-crusted snow.

With the timing, there's also the fact that every year I feel like I'm starting late, yet my yeilds are abundant. My freezer and shelves are fully stocked and the chickens eat high on the hog all season. I have never been disappointed by my harvest, so I try not to beat myself up over my timing.

I've also seen how some people are starting all of their seeds at the same time. The temperatures on the seed packets tell me that I've got time before I can put any of my plants outside, especially tender seedlings and cold-sensitive veggies. This means paying attention to our local average tempertures and starting accordingly. Tomatoes, for instance will wait another week or two before I start them because a lesson from last year was not to keep them inside too long. 

You'll see in the picture below that I've only started broccoli, cauliflower, and mini bell peppers so far. I questioned the peppers because I know the ground has to be pretty warm for them, but I have enough smaller pots to keep them safe until I can put them out with confidence. 

The seeds are going to be happy in my little set-up.  The heating pad under the tray keeps the water, air, and soil nice and warm for germinating. (I also only water with warm water. 😉 ) As I check on the seeds--and later, seedlings--I add the water from the condensation back into the tray. And this year I finally got my grow light! 🤗  I bought a little kit made for these types of seed-starting kits, and it's perfect. One thing it came with that none of the other--much more expensive--grow lights did is a stand. It also has a switch on the cord and can be chanied to other lights. Eventually I'd like to have a rack with a heating pad and grow light on each shelf, but we must make due with what's available to us. 

The moral here is that regardless of what other people are doing. Regardless of what anyone may say. What you think you should do is what matters. What works for you and your application is what matters. Don't let the pressure of society sway you if it doesn't feel right. 

So tell me. . . How do you start your gardening season?