Let's talk real for a minute. . .
I watch and listen to motivational speeches. I listen to podcasts interviewing successful businessmen and women. I watch YouTube videos by homesteaders who talk about things that interest me, like goats, chickens, growing your food, crafting, etc.
Every one of them—Every. Single. One.—says the same thing: “Anyone can do it; you just have to ____.” Or “You have to find yourself and follow your dreams/passions.” Do what you love! Affirmations! Manifest! Believe!
But as I watch and listen, I can’t help but let my doubts creep in. . .
- I already work full-time, run a household, and help my husband run 2 businesses.
- My husband, in running these companies, works about 60 hours a week on average.
- I have a family. (Most of these people do but started that life adventure after being settled into their dream life.)
- I’m so much older than them. (Or they started at a much younger age. See above.)
- I am a Type 1 diabetic. This means that I NEED health insurance.
- My T1D means that, even with expensive insurance, I pay a small fortune every year for medication and supplies.
- I’m not in a financial position to drop everything. (Also, see above.)
- I don’t have the support in living my dreams that everyone else seems to have. (And if you think it’s easy to go it alone, see all of the above.)
I have dreams that run deep into my roots. These dreams are woven into the fiber of my soul. These dreams are the reason my day job is unfulfilling. The reason I catch myself staring out the window daydreaming. The reason all I want is to be outside working with the earth, tending my garden and animals.
And these dreams are the reason I want more. More land, more food crops, more animals.
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| Photo by Michael & Christa Richert from FreeImages |
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| Photo by Chris Johnson from FreeImages |
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| Photo by Billy Van Zyl from FreeImages |
And then someone says something like, “You’re too old to start doing that.” Or, “Your body is already failing you. What makes you think you can do that?”
And my doubts creep in again. I sink into that self-depreciating place where dreams go to die, and I resolve to the thought that I’ll always be dependent on a “regular job” because I’m not good enough to have what I really want. That thought also leads to the “working until I’m dead” fear lodged in a dark place in my mind.
I feel so alone in all of this. I feel like no one believes in me. It is very difficult to believe in yourself when you feel that way, and I think that’s why I give up on things after a while. Because I have come to the realization that I suck at being accountable to myself, but if I hold myself accountable to doing something for someone else, I will make it happen.
This principle applies to the working world, too, because if you don’t have a high enough degree, you aren’t good enough. No matter your life experience, if you don’t have the paper, or two to three times that in years working, you aren’t good enough.
Am I trying to prove myself to others? Maybe. But I think I’m trying to prove myself to myself, too. I’m trying to prove that I am good enough. That I am worthy of having my dreams come true. That I can do it.
This has led me on a spiritual journey that is helping me overcome these hindering beliefs. Small step by small step, I am learning to defeat my negative self. It’s hard. Yeah. It’s hard as horse manure baked in the summer sun for a month. And I fall back on my ass. . . a lot. But I get up every time. And I attribute that strength to the teachings of some very special people I have met.
Perhaps I’ll tell you about my spiritual journey one day. But, for now, I’m really just letting you know that if you feel like everyone else is soaring while your feathers are soaked with seawater, you are not alone.
Until next time, I wish you blessings of love and health.
